Maya was keen to get a promotion at work at all costs and has been trying hard for quite a while. She has been persistent in her efforts, networked with all the right stakeholders, and was as ready as she could be when the time came for her appraisal conversations.
However, as it sometimes happens, the conversation didn’t go as per plan and she was told she was being passed over for promotion because of a list of concerns that Maya hadn’t ever considered. She walked out of the office disappointed, discouraged and defeated. She felt like all that hard work was in vain and everything was just awful.
She began by blaming herself.
“How could I not have considered this?” “I’m so stupid for missing this” “I didn’t deserve that promotion, it’s all my fault” “I am not good enough”
The negativity about losing her shot at the promotion soon spread to other aspects of her life. She started to believe she’d never find love because who would love someone passed over for promotions? She will never move out of the dingy apartment she’s currently living in and will never earn the respect and admiration she so craved from her family members.
The spiral eventually led her to lose all sense of hope, that things would ever turn around. Life will always be like this. I’ll forever be passed over for promotions and I’ll never succeed or thrive in my career. My life will always be a struggle and my dreams will remain just that dreams.
This was the state of mind with which Maya met Tara.
Depressed and defeated she saw no hope but thought she’d give it one last shot with a conversation with Tara.
Tara heard all that Maya had to share and compassionately asked her, if was it all her fault that she got passed over for promotions. With an emphasis on the word all.
Maya reflected and shared, well honestly no. My manager did tell me about other circumstances in the organisation, budget cuts, and environmental factors beyond his control that are impacting the bottom line of the company.
So, no it’s not all my fault.
There were things beyond my control and here I am taking it all so personally over the last couple of weeks.
Thrilled to see the seed of awareness sprouting and clarity emerging, Tara nudged Maya further. Has it really impacted all aspects of her life?
Maya’s first impulse was to say yes, of course. But just as she was about to say she remembered how only a few days back she had a wonderful weekend at the movies with her cousins. On the drive back, one of her nieces confessed to Maya how her mother always praises Maya, and how she’s always admired her and hopes to be like her when she grows up. Despite her reservations, Maya did feel seen, heard, and valued by her family.
Truthfully, no this rejection wasn’t pervasive to other aspects of her life. It impacted her prospects in the company, yes. Maybe even slowed down her career progress in the long run. But that’s about it. She realised there was no true impact beyond her professional life.
Tara didn’t want to lose the momentum just yet. She asked Maya, were there times in the past when you felt like things would never improve and were proven wrong with time?
Maya took her time to introspect.
The more she thought about it, she realised there was not one but several instances when she thought she would never recover from a setback but managed to do so effortlessly.
She remembered failing to get a PPO from her internship and thinking that she would never find a good job. Not only did she find a good job, she had multiple leaps and jumps in her career thanks to where she started instead of a campus placement offer.
She remembered the time when she’d fractured her wrist and couldn’t appear for a competitive exam only to realise later that those who cracked the exam and advanced in their careers were more depressed and unhappy. Whereas she found a career path that she loved and could envision a long-term future for herself.
As Maya reflected, she told Tara, Yes, I have, and no matter how bad the situation, over time things have managed to turn for the better.
What Maya realised in her conversation with Tara was nothing but Seligman’s 3Ps positive psychology model. When faced with adversity, we have 3 common reactions
- Personalisation – We tend to internalise it and believe it’s all our fault
- Pervasiveness – We imagine it to be a lot more pervasive impacting all aspects of our lives
- Permanence – We believe it to be ever-lasting and feel things will never get better.
We all have different mixes of the 3Ps but our responses to adversity always include these 3 factors. It would help us to introspect and challenge these beliefs like Maya did instead of accepting defeat and letting our circumstances dictate our choices, actions, and ultimately our lives.