Episode 4 – Who am I

Hello and Welcome back to Being Meraklis, a podcast by Shwetha Sivaraman. 

Hope you all had a great week! I for one started the week out on a Fabulous note. I woke up Monday morning to see a whopping 500 listens on the podcast. While I never made the podcast with the intention of chasing numbers, I would be lying if I were to say I am not inspired by your feedback, appreciation, likes, and comments. I am so glad that – What began as my quest to remind myself that I am not alone in this journey, has resonated with so many of you. Thank you for all the support, it means the world to me.

Today we are going to go a little back in time – back to school – specifically to those English classes and assignments where we were often asked to write on ambiguous and vague topics.

As a student in school, I used to despise being asked to write essays on “Who Am I?”. I somehow never had a definitive answer to that. Being an average student with average skills in almost every activity I undertook, this question often threw me towards the deep end, opening up questions that my young mind was just not adept at answering.

I use to always strike nothing when I started off writing that one. WHO AM I? It never was one response. I could never go beyond I am Shwetha Sivaraman. It was almost as if that was all my body could accept as true. 

I was not particularly sharp when it came to academics. At best I use to get sympathy promotions because I was my sister’s sister.

While I had several hobbies – I often lost interest or never went all the way through for multiple reasons. I could draw a bit but not enough to make someone’s jaw drop in awe. I could carry a reasonable tune thanks to my mother’s genes, but have never mastered or had any inclination towards learning or practicing music religiously. I could play the guitar, but never really had the chance to take it all the way to be proficient at it. I have taken up classes in swimming, badminton, basketball, sketching, crafts, bharatnatyam, aerobics, mridangam, and guitar, I kid you not in different stages of my childhood. – only to realize I was (or should I say am) no prolific swimmer, sports person, artist, dancer, singer, or musician.

To top it all – I gradually started observing how contradicting my personality was in different contexts.

I used to be afraid of public speaking – forgot all my dialogues playing the lead in a play on stage but won almost every recitation competition conceivable by Chinmaya Mission – Not kidding – You actually have the privilege of listening to the 7-year Gold Champion of the Bhagavad Gita recital competitions

I hung out with the largest group of friends at school but equally preferred solitude.

I was barely ambitious (teachers referred to me as “complacent”) but was also known as the student who never gave up.

As these thoughts loom in my head, I noticed that the paper titled “Who Am I?” still remained blank. It made me wonder if maybe I just never had a personality, to begin with. I was barely 15 years old and I was already disappointed with the fact that I didn’t fit in – Always a square peg in a round hole.

Things didn’t improve much as I grew older. The girls around me in college were already confident – knew what they were good at – playing the drums, extempore speaking, brilliant singers, fabulous bakers and me amidst them all – my largest achievement being ranking second in CBSE after almost failing in class 4 – Does that even count?

But the good thing was by then I almost did not care who I was. Something about achieving excellence in some field even if was just outranking in a non-consequential academic examination process gave you a spot in others mind as to who you are. People just assumed I was a nerd and I went with it. I really had no energy to open up the Pandora’s box of who else I could be.

Years went by and I tried my hand at everything that came my way and realized how petty those thoughts were.

The thought to define yourself as something is limiting at its core and leaves no room for development.

I recently read a quote that said

“Words are never ‘only words’; they matter because they define the contours of what we can do,”

And it rang so true – When we say “I am Shwetha Sivaraman and I am a writer.” The period defines us, boxes us in, limiting us to a single identity. If the identity works, well nothing like it – Life can happen with us being blissfully unaware of just what else we could have been.

But what if it isn’t. What if I am a singer/writer/ chartered accountant/ teacher / mother was not all that there was in a person

In the last 27 years of my life,
-I have been an outspoken extrovert and a reserved introvert. I love socializing with like-minded people, but at the same time cherish the rumination and reflection of my thoughts by myself.
-I become a cook when I’m forced to be but also love being fed 3 square meals a day without moving a muscle
-I am candid when I want to be heard- quiet when my opinion is not required- livid when triggered.
-I seek adventure, I seek peace. I love traveling, But I love the feeling of having a steady home.
-I am a writer. I am reader. I am a traveler. I am a seeker.
-I am a fierce feminist on most days but once in a while I am okay kicking my legs up and letting Saswat, my husband, take care of things on my behalf too
-I am ambitious and strive for more – feeling nothing I do is enough. I am also content and grateful for everything I already have

I realize am all of these contradictions and nothing at all.

And today, I am glad I never completed that sentence I am….. It has given me the freedom to be whoever I choose to be depending on the changing contexts around me.

So for all those like me who don’t know who they are or which bucket they fall into or as we say it in our generation for those who still haven’t found their tribe – here’s the reminder you need

Every human heartbeat is a universe of possibilities.

We as humans could be anything we wish to be with every passing second. The freedom that comes with this belief is nothing but liberating.

So, go on out there and seize the day – Do not box yourself to a single identity. Do that thing on your bucket list you have dreamed of doing- but have not had the courage cause you think that is not you – Let go of those mental boundaries limiting your belief on who you are and how you do things. And if you are still trying very hard to fit in to something – Don’t, you can be that and so much more also.

Be open to the limitless universe for everything you can be and cherish the magic that unfolds.

Thank You for tuning in. And if you have not yet subscribed to my channel please click the orange tab on my podcast in your Hubhopper app today. You can then be sure never to miss an episode in this podcast.

This is Shwetha Sivaraman signing out, hoping you have a great week!