With this year coming to an end, it’s essential for me to speak about one of the most important lessons I learned this year – It is okay and absolutely necessary to ask for help sometimes. We are going to look at why we shy away from asking for help, the price of not asking for help, and explore how we can approach it going forward.
What can you expect from this podcast?
- 00:50 – The most important lesson of 2020
- 02:51 – Possible reasons holding you back from asking for help
- 05:24 – Consequences of not asking for help
- 06:57 – Ways to get over it and Ask for help when needed
- 08:09 – Story of how I learned this lesson
I cannot believe we are already at the end of a whole other year, 2020 has been a massive eye-opener for all of us, and I hope we continue the learnings as we go back to the regular humdrum of life.
Let’s face it, asking for help is never easy. As I grew up, ‘independent’ is a word that really got my fancy. I wanted to be that fierce independent woman. I never ask for help, a quick survey with my friends would tell you I don’t even ask favors. Even when I do, it is nestled amidst a bundle of apologies which leaves me feeling sorry for myself too that I had to ask for help – I am sure I’m not the only one!
It’s not exactly misplaced pride or arrogance, but it’s just not comfortable to ask for help.
I used to pride myself on this ability, cause I felt self-sufficiency was a success in itself – maybe it is when you know everything you need to know about things. What I’ve realized though is that if you don’t know everything, that assumption is plain stupid.
So, let’s look at the possible reasons why we don’t ask for help:
#1: We feel vulnerable
Admitting you do not know something or need clarity makes us feel vulnerable like we are exposing a private part of our lives to someone.
#2: Afraid of refusal
No one likes to be refused anything, so the better solution is not to ask.
#3: Prioritizing self-reliance
If you are like me, Self-reliance is something you’re proud of and something you place above all else. The underlying belief is that Asking for help is for weaklings and pansies and I can suffer long periods but won’t relent and ask for help.
#4: No one else can understand my problems
Oh well, this is a lovely one I played around with too for a while. Who else knows my life better than me, right? So only I get to sabotage it fully with my misunderstanding that no one gets me. No one knows where I’m coming from, no one knows what my dreams are. No one gets what I need. I played this story out fully in my teen years and eventually realized we are more similar than we’d like to admit. My needs and your needs are no different. We all want to be wealthy, healthy, engaged in professionally meaningful work, enjoy life in the process – in short, seek more and more pleasure and avoid pain. Anyone else wants something different? I don’t think so.
A lot of this comes from our early childhood experiences too.
Did your family encourage doing it by yourself or for letting others in? But that’s no excuse why it is still happening in your adulthood. The reason I share all this is to help you question what is holding you back from reaching out for help when you need it.
While it’s all good when life is hunky-dory, we don’t realize that not asking for help comes at a price. A pretty big one at it too.
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One, of course, your life is miserable
You want clarity on something and try as you may contemplate it in your head that you are getting nowhere. You might eventually get there but it’s going to take you that much longer. Will you ever get back that time? No. Is the price of assuring your ego saying you did it alone, worth it then?
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You start alienating yourself
Your friends and family see your self-reliance as arrogance and they don’t want to really be connected with you anymore. They’d rather solve their problems themselves, so they stop reaching out to you. And when you’re in actual trouble you’ll have no one you can call.
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The façade becomes heavier to carry over time
Putting up a front that you know everything and can do it all might seem easy at the start of your careers and life but as you grow older the inconsistency between who you portray yourself to be and who you actually are becomes wider. It becomes costlier to put on that show and harder to live in your own truth.
The next time you don’t want to ask for help ask yourself this – What is it going to cost me if I don’t ask for help?
And if the answer to that is quite a hefty price then bite your tongue and ask for it.
Reframe your underlying beliefs to more empowering statements and ask anyway.
A few reframing statements you could use are :
I’m asking for help because it can help me get there faster.
I’m asking for help so that I can learn from others’ mistakes.
The fact that I’m willing to be vulnerable and ask for help demonstrates my inner strength.
If I’m refused help it is not a reflection on me or our relationship, it just means the other person is not in a position to help.
My Story
I was clueless for the longest time. I was deeply unhappy. I was confused. I couldn’t tell what was right or wrong. But despite having the best support in friends and family, I would never ask. It was a burden I carried alone for the longest time. Until I set aside my ego and asked. I asked friends, family, mentors, people I trust, people I connected with, people my friends referred, and you know what? it wasn’t so bad! I could have saved much more time by allowing myself to be vulnerable, speaking my mind, doubts, concerns, and fears. I became closer with people I trusted, and the relationship only strengthened.
So the next time you need help, ask. Don’t be afraid, just ask! The answers will show up in some way.
I have launched the Being Meraklis Tribe to provide help for those who cannot trust yet. I promise to hold space that is safe and secure for all of you as you go along your journey of transformation. A place where we can just be, learn, love, and live, as we grow together. There is magic in the community. There is power in the community. It takes millions of drops to create a force as powerful as the ocean and that’s the case with humanity too. Together we have created all these luxuries in our life. But having come this far, let’s not lose the battle with our minds.