Ep 29 – An important life lesson to remember

 

 

 

What can you expect from this episode?

• 01:57 – The story of my life

• 03:09 –  Reading 

• 06:42 – Experimenting

• 08:20 – Reflecting

• 10:06 – 3 Turning points of my life

• 12:36 – The life lesson to remember

Today we delve deeper into my journey of self-discovery. I’m going to share my personal story which I’ve never revealed much before, followed by things which impacted me the most and the life lesson. 

So let me begin with the story. As all things are about self-discovery we need to go back in time here too, so we begin from my childhood. 

When I look back at my childhood I feel like I had two very distinct lives – one as a kid till about 8 or 9th standard and the one after. If you’d met me before 9th standard, I used to be the chilliest kid in town. I cared about nothing but having the most fun. A not so kind English teacher called me complacent in a PTA. I had no clue what that word meant then but I knew from the way she said it she wasn’t praising me. I still remember going back to check a dictionary, yes a time before Google had all the answers to read what it meant. And, I remember still being puzzled – the meaning said “showing uncritical satisfaction with oneself or one’s achievements.” And, I thought to myself what is so wrong about being satisfied with myself. But I figured there was no point asking the question, so I let it be, but the thought lingered. 

What happened after 8th I can never pinpoint to one person/incident/trigger at least not yet, but then I suddenly decided to study. I started reading my textbooks for the first time, I started reading beyond textbooks around this age – Harry potter, Agatha christie, Nicholas Sparks, Nora Roberts, fantasy fiction and what not. I read everything I could get my hands on and it became an adventure with every book. I needed lesser people to actually talk to because the books gave me all the knowledge, adventure, and excitement I craved. I became quieter, barely expressed myself, and started living in my own head. And soon, people forgot the carefree Shwetha and I suddenly was the Nerd/Geek of every class.

For a person who has never been associated with these words all her life, the imposed identity suddenly took precedence, I felt like I was obligated to live up to these terms because if not them, I was nobody. And so I clung to these titles, took myself so seriously. But even then I wasn’t the most ambitious person, you’d think as the top rankers I’d have the wish to conquer the world, but I really didn’t. I finished my 12th and only had a list of things I didn’t want to be – I didn’t want to be a doctor, an engineer, a chartered accountant. (I’m a 90s kid – these were our only options). 

So most of the time I would do what every foolish teenager does, pick a friend’s dream and make it your own. And my good friend then wanted to go to the IIM – I had no idea what IIMs were then (I know, inexcusable), but I said okay let’s see what these IIMs have got. And we started investing all of our spare time in CAT classes and preparation. And as with all of life and its ironies I cracked XLRI while my friend had a bad round of luck and didn’t pursue her MBA. 

And so I walked into an ultra competitive MBA campus. A girl who’s comfortably complacently lived in her own cocoon dropped in the campus filled with overachievers and students who have already tasted victory in their lives. My mind was reeling. The feeling of drowning is very real when the big fish in a small pond jumps into the ocean. I battled the worst of my insecurities and fears here. For the longest time I believed they really must have mixed up my scorecard with someone else, I used to think, “Surely, I don’t belong here.” 

And then magic started happening, I met amazing people from all walks of life. So successful, so confident, and some so kind and genuine. I started making good friends and slowly settled in. But then came placements. 

Everyone around me knew where they wanted to go – I want to be a consultant, a marketing professional, an investment banker. And I was back to square one. The only thing I had learned from my past experiences was this time I was not going to do something because my friends wanted that, so I said I had to make this call on my own. How do I do that? By elimination of course – I listed out everything I was sure I didn’t want, which I can now see clearly as everything MBA candidates had in offer- but then the only option left all the ruling out was General Management and that’s exactly what I did. 

Do you see how randomly the pieces in the puzzle fit in? 

After XL, here’s where my next growth happened, I started experimenting left right and center, small experiments to learn who I can trust and not, who can keep secrets, how are people connected in corporate offices, small mind games to entertain me and learn the people around me. I experimented with myself too, who would Shwetha be if she wasn’t a hard worker, could I still achieve what I did by working less, I experimented being Shwetha who’s not shy, Shwetha who doesn’t mince words, Shwetha the manager, Shwetha the indifferent, and each of these experiments helped me grow more than I could imagine. I was no longer the naïve kid who landed up on the shores of Mumbai, waiting to be taken for a ride. I started to discern more, not just about people around me but of myself. I objectively understood what I was capable of and what I really wanted to do.

But, this was also a time of extreme confusion, so many existential questions to balance along with real world responsibilities – leading a growing team, answerable for performance, paying off educational loans, and amidst all of that a simple question – Who am I? Is this what I should be doing? What do I want my life to stand for when I’m gone? I looked around and never found a good enough answer. I stayed with the questions and all that discomfort led me towards meditation. 

I’ve never been a person who can put another human on a pedestal. I could see the good things about everyone along with the not-so-good ones so no human according to me was worth imitating. And when it came to finding a meditation practice for myself I was clear I was not going to join any cult. So I experimented again, I did multiple kinds of these meditation – Art of living, Kundalini meditation, movement meditation, walking meditation, I tried them all until I found one that resonated with me, and practiced it every day. And this was the third thing that changed my life. 

Meditation unearthed so many layers within me, it felt like someone finally cleared the fog that has hindered my visibility all my life. I spent time working through each of those inner child traumas, the feeling of being abandoned, the feeling of needing to be perfect, the feeling of needing to be always working to achieve success, the feeling of needing to mature sooner than before. I had run my whole life away from them and slowly mustered the courage to face them one question at a time. I know I’m far from mastering this journey, but for the first time in my life I am comfortable where I am. I am comfortable in my being, in my doing, in my feelings. And that peace is priceless. I am work in progress and will continue to be one, but this is my story till now. 

So now when I look back, I can clearly pinpoint 3 turning points in my life

   #1. One when I started reading 

 A habit that changed my life forever. I got exposed to so much beyond my world of truth and reading became my crutch to deepen my understanding of this world. I read everything that comes my way, the older the author or the setting of the book, the better because I get the privilege to see the world from the eyes of a whole new generation in the past. 

 

   #2. When I started experimenting 

This was an interesting phase in my life. One where I wanted to know more on all that I could be. Credits to this goes to my husband who made me realize I didn’t have to take myself so seriously all the time. I played the fool, I tried my hand at new things, I let down my guard and learnt that I could be more things than the things I’ve done in the past. 

 

   #3. When I started meditating 

I am still a toddler on this journey, but I can already feel this is going to be a game changer. For so long I was seeking answers in the external world I failed to realize there’s a whole world within. And this journey feels boundless, I can go deeper and deeper and will still come out just touching the surface. Meditation gave me peace like nothing else could, It put me in an ease to go through life gracefully. I am a learner still at this stage and I know there’s miles to go, but I am ready to plunge deep as I have to, to live in my own truth and alignment. 

But strangely I never realized any of them were game changing as I was doing it. It’s only now when I look back that I’m able to connect the dots. And that is the biggest lesson I’ve learned. You never know how what you’re doing will make a difference to your life in the future. Each of those things that I highlighted as turning points happened to me purely by chance. I was never a reader, experimenter, or a meditator. Each of them came about my life unknowingly and I embraced. 

 

I know a lot of people who claim they were born to do the work they are doing but more often than not it is just a series of serendipitous accidents connected retrospectively. 

So there is the life lesson to remember 

“You never know where your journey could take you. All you can do is to embrace the present moment and keep exploring the depths of your inner true self as you cruise along.”

Keep doing things you love, things that make you feel alive and aligned to the very core of your being. And if it’s not making sense right now, it’s okay. Growth is messy, unpredictable, and nonlinear. Keep discovering, Keep Learning, and Keep Growing. Nothing else matters.