The art of mindful Self-Compassion
In a world full of choices, how often do we choose ourselves? Once, twice, or never?
As kind as we are to the failures and misadventures of our friends and loved ones, we often refrain from treating ourselves with the same kindness when we fall out of the track.
Far from kindness, we are critical of ourselves and are so harsh when things do not go the way we expected. We shame ourselves for that one moment of weakness where we indulged in those sweets and broke our diet. We judge ourselves for procrastinating, for not returning that call, for not being a better parent, for not being a considerate child, for needing some space in a relationship, or for not achieving our goals at the pace we had aspired to accomplish them.
We crucify ourselves for small missteps and deem our lives unworthy at the drop of a hat. And the harsher we are on ourselves, our self-esteem plummets lower and lower until it reaches a point of no return.
But what if we treat ourselves with the same consideration with which we treat others? Can we learn to love and be kind to ourselves?
Yes, and Self-compassion is the answer.
What is Self-compassion?
Self-compassion is being kind to yourself, accepting yourself for who you are, wholly and completely. When we are compassionate to ourselves, we don’t just take the positives but also embrace the weakness in us with equal consideration.
Being self-compassionate means being realistic about your expectations and accepting the vulnerability and humanness in all of us. It doesn’t mean that we stop striving to improve ourselves from where we are today. Instead, it means accepting that we might encounter failures, mistakes, and frustrations along our journey. It is to be kind and considerate to ourselves, remembering that mistakes are a part of the journey, and the real victory is in learning to rise from it.
Self-compassion is to accept that we could have ideals and expectations in life and still fall astray from it. It is the art of letting go of the need to be perfect.
Myths about Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is not Self-Pity
Self-pity strengthens the feeling of being a sufferer bringing with it depression and inaction. We are always in the past and see it as defining our future in a very negative and uncertain way. When we pity ourselves, we perceive only loss, damage, and obstacles. We start believing ourselves to be helpless, defeated, and vulnerable.
This feeling of pity tends to highlight egocentric feelings of separation from others and exaggerates individual misery. When we feel pity, our heart is closed to the love and wisdom that is within us and around us.
As for self-compassion, it permits us to see the related encounters of self and others without the sentiments of detachment and separation. As soon as we choose to be gentle to ourselves, our heart opens up to the love, wisdom and the power of our spirit.
When we decide to be compassionate towards ourselves, we utter things to the child inside us — the feeling part of us — things like, “I know this is difficult, but I can do it. I am not alone”; “These circumstances have nothing to do with me being bad or not good enough”; “If I cry, I’ll ask someone for help”.
Self-Compassion is not Self-Indulgence
Self-Indulgence is that feeling of immediate pleasure that feels overwhelmingly joyful in that particular instant. Still, it is not right in the long run since it conflicts with our inner well-being. It is a break, and a handy solution that numbs, denies, and covers the pain and hurt in our heart.
In other words, self-indulgence is when spoil ourselves by being too generous and in a way that eventually does not serve us.
On the other hand, an act of compassion deems one’s self and others together by taking both the parties’ requirements into consideration and finding ways to help both together. When we care for ourselves the way we care for others, we accept self-love and exercise kindness towards ourselves that backs us to be more and do more.
“Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion”
Why should we be self-compassionate?
Self-compassion helps reduce anxiety. When we set very high expectations from ourselves and feel let down and frustrated, practicing compassion helps alleviate the stress. Instead of over-scheduling and expecting miracles overnight, we give ourselves time and space to be, grow, evolve and stay committed to our goals with persistence and patience.
Self-compassion mitigates thoughts of I am not good enough as you no longer hyper-focus on your weaknesses and are aware of your strengths. Practicing self-compassion, in the long run, can also improve your self-esteem and self-worth.
Self-worth is an inner state that originates from self-understanding, self-esteem, and self-acknowledgment. It holds the capacity to help us take control and drastically change our lives.
Self-compassion helps reduce feelings of depression as we break the cycle of negativity around us and accept our human imperfections with kindness.
Practicing self-compassion helps us experience more joy, curiosity, creativity, and lead inspired and engaging lives.
So, how can we practice self-compassion?
1.Adopt forgiveness:
The next time you make a mistake, practice forgiveness. Instead of being harsh on yourself or beating yourself up for missing something, say, “I forgive myself for not being mindful of that.”
Instead, look at mistakes as lessons you can learn from. Rather than spending time berating yourself for not being good enough, think of what you could do right the next time. This way, you start to embrace your mistakes as stepping stones to your future successes.
2. Believe that you can change:
Often, when we do things wrong, we end up critiquing ourselves for being useless or incapable of change. Such thoughts are demotivating and are not conducive to positive change.
Instead, if we were to embrace a growth mindset, a mindset where we truly believe that we are capable of change and can learn and grow from wherever we are today, you can set yourself up for success.
3. Maintain a Self-Compassion Journal:
Years of being hard on ourselves will not vanish overnight. We have to take small steps in showing kindness to ourselves, and that’s where a self-compassion journal comes in handy.
Make it a point to write 3 things you did well every day continuously for 21 days. It takes repetition to break a habit. Also, this journal can be a reminder of all your strengths the next time you start feeling hateful thoughts towards yourself.
4. Change that critical self-talk:
We all have that inner critical voice that is quick to remind us how we are not good enough. Be mindful of this inner critic.
Observe your critical voice, catch it when you’re harsh to yourself, be realistic in your assessment of what you could have done and change the language of that self-talk. Invalidate it with your actions and be cognizant of the contrary evidence you are accumulating in your self-compassion journal with all the good things you do each day. Slowly the voice will fade, and you will notice a change in tone.
5. Accept your vulnerability:
Let go of the need to be perfect in every aspect of your life. This drive for perfectionism makes us set unrealistically high benchmarks for ourselves which makes it harder to cope.
Instead of expecting yourself to be perfect, embrace your vulnerabilities. Truly accept that you are human and could still make mistakes. And irrespective of how many mistakes you commit, have the courage to dust yourself off, learn your lessons, and get back on track again.
Remember, there is nothing wrong with who you are
“You deserve the love you keep trying to give everyone else.”
You weren’t born to be perfect; you were born to be real. Be gentle with yourself, and everything else will follow.
Love yourself the way you want to be loved.